Dear Alanis Morrissette,
Based on several listens to your song "Ironic" over the years, I can only assume you have no idea what the word irony means.
According to dictionary.com:
i⋅ro⋅ny /ˈaɪrəni, ˈaɪər-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] –noun, plural -nies.
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.
2. Literature.
a. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
b. (esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
I would like to take the time to dissect the lyrics from your song Ironic. To see what actually is ironic about your song.
"Ironic"
"An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day"
Okay, not ironic. Actually kind of expected. The guy is 98 and he won the lottery. I bet it was a heart attack. My heart jumps just thinking about what I could do with that money. Shouldn't he be playing bingo? Come to think of it, bingo can be quite exciting...
"It's a black fly in your Chardonnay"
That's just gross. If the Chardonnay was called "No Fly Zone Sparkling Wine" then that would be very ironic.
"It's a death row pardon two minutes too late"
Not only is this not ironic but how does this happen? How was the guy on death row and the jury was still out? I mean two minutes? Do you know how long the legal system in America takes to arrive at a verdict? We're not in Canada anymore, Alanis.
"And isn't it ironic... don't you think?"
Nope, so far, I don't.
Chrous: (The lightning round!)
"It's like rain on your wedding day"
Nope, just shitty circumstances
"It's a free ride when you've already paid"
That's impossible, you've already paid.
"It's the good advice that you just didn't take"
You're a bad listener.
"Who would've thought... it figures"
Apparently not you, Alanis.
"Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
Well isn't this nice..."
Mr. Play it safe should have listened to his instincts. Doing the opposite led him exactly where we thought it would. Shit happens.
"And isn't it ironic... don't you think?"
I will give you 1/2 a point but it is unfortunate more than anything else.
Repeat Chorus
"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think every thing's okay and every thing's going right"
That's paranoia, lay off the pipe.
"And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think every thing's gone wrong and everything blows up In your face"
Things fall apart, Alanis.
"A traffic jam when you're already late"
Should have left earlier, slacker.
"A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break"
You should probably quit. How long have you been working there? Should you know? You could probably walk down the block and not be bothered.
"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife"
Where the hell are you? Who has 10,000 spoons in one place and no knives? (Don't say Dairy Queen)
"It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife"
He'd probably would not touch you anyway. Didn't you used to hook up with Uncle Joey from Full House? Ummmmm, I mean...
"And isn't it ironic...don't you think?"
Nope.
"A little too ironic...and, yeah"
No, not Really.
"I really do think..."
You're an idiot.
Repeat Chorus
"Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
That's surprisingly positive for a woman who screams about wanting to remind me of the mess I left when I went away. As sure as Alanis knows what irony is, I am sure she wrote "You Oughta Know" about me.
"Helping you out"
I'll help you out by declaring you should never write a song lyric again. I was a very confused 7th grader in 1997 because of you. And I'll tell you what's ironic, the fact that the woman who made millions of dollars writing this song, doesn't even know what the title to her song means.
Sincerely,
John
